It Sneaks Up On You Sometimes

Life is a continuous thing.  It keeps moving forward.  Life brings many ups and downs and many things we cannot control.  It is ever changing and sometimes the unexpected sneaks up on us.

I have talked a little on my Facebook posts about the struggles that we have experienced with my 6 year old son Joseph.  This past year Joseph started kindergarten.  I knew this transition in his life would be a challenging one but I was not really prepared for what exactly that entailed.

At the beginning of the year he experienced separation anxiety like most kids do.  Then things just began to snowball and we were experiencing so many obstacles.  Joseph was having a really hard time learning, he was filled with so much anger, he did not like kids touching him or getting into his space, certain foods others would eat really bothered him,  focusing on the task at hand was hard and we noticed he really just preferred to keep to himself. The littlest thing would trigger him and would send him into a place that was very dark and hard to pull him back from.  Robert and I knew we needed help.  I kept in contact with his teach (which I love) and together we started to assemble a plan.

The school placed Joseph in a program that helps kids that learn a little differently and understood his needs.  They worked very hard one on one with him on his reading and writing. Within a few weeks Joseph was showing signs of progress.  He was having better days and Robert and I started to feel some relief  as parents.  Just as we thought things were getting better the end of the first semester was coming to an end and the class holiday parties were starting.  Joseph was so excited about his class party.  He talked about it for days leading up to it and then the day came and that all changed.  I go to all of the kids functions and I was going to make sure Joseph’s first party was a success for him.  As I was getting ready to head to the school I received a phone call from the school nurse and she informed me that Joseph was in her office and he was really sick and needed to go home. Thankfully both of my girls were home and that is when team Hargrave swooped in for the win.

When I arrived at the school to get Joseph I became overwhelmed with sadness because he was going to miss something he had been looking forward to for so long.  I walked into the nurses office and as soon as Joseph saw me he had the biggest smile.  I noticed he was pale and was clearly not feeling good.  He did not have a fever though and funny it appeared he started to feel better as soon as he realized he was going home.  As we walked out of the school he grabbed my hand and said “I love you Mommy.”  I knew right then in that moment he was not sick.  He was overwhelmed and suffering from anxiety and he was overwhelmed. He was so happy to be going home and he did not care that he was missing his party.  I asked him if it would be OK if he stayed with Karis while Kaylee and I tag teamed Robbie and Benja’s parties and he said, “YES!  I love Karis!”  I love that he feels a since of safety with all members of our family…that is huge.  It is hard to juggle all of the kids and their special activities and moments so knowing he was going to be OK while I joined the others was comforting.

Kaylee and I made it through the parties and then I decided to have Karis bring Joseph and meet the rest of us for lunch.  We needed our own family holiday party and to make Joseph feel like he did not miss out on anything.  After that day Robert and I knew Joseph needed more help than what we and the school were able to give him.  Not because we did not try our best or the school did not do their best but because sometimes the problem is bigger than us and sometimes its OK to ask for help.  It really does take a village.  We talked with our doctor and we decided seeing a therapist was the best option for us.  She also suggested ADD and anti-anxiety medication but that was something we were just not ready to jump into.

Over the last few months Joseph has been seeing a child psychologist and they have been working on play therapy.  This woman has some sort of super power for sure.  Joseph loves going to see her and he will often ask, “do I get to see Ms. Megan today?”   Ms. Megan explained to me that even though Joseph was little and never really expressed feelings about our house burning down he suffered a trauma.  She expressed that he was experiencing anxiety related to change and trauma and sometimes those things can get in the way of learning, being social and meeting the necessary milestones in school.  She assured me that Robert and I have not failed as parents and that was huge for me because sometimes you just can’t help those feelings of failure and defeat.

Since starting this journey Joseph has met almost all of his goals and milestones at school.  His anger and his episodes of destruction have become few and far between.  When he reaches those dark places it is easier to bring him back.  He recently went on his first field trip that I was thrilled to chaperone and that boy had so much fun.  Not one sign of anxiety or stress.  I cannot express to you enough how happy that makes me and how proud I am of him.  Though we are making progress we do have set backs sometimes.  Those setbacks seem to just sneak right up on us.

Yesterday, Joseph had a great day!  I picked him up from school a little early so he could see Ms. Megan. He had an excellent therapy session and on his own started to talk about the house fire.  I love that he feels he can talk to her about that.  But last night while I was preparing dinner and he was working on his homework he casually asked me, “will our house ever get sucked away again?  Will we have to get another new house?  Will I loose all my things again?”  I stopped what I was doing and took a few minutes to reassure him he will always be safe and that Mommy and Daddy love him more than he can ever imagine.  He said, “OK Mommy I understand” and returned to what he was doing.  It broke my heart that those questions are still on his mind.

Though yesterday was a “good day” it was the perfect day for life to sneak up on us.  Rob and Kaylee returned home from work and we all stood around the island talking about our days.  Not everyone had a great day.  And as the evening went on storms began to move in.  Right at bed time we got a pretty big round of severe weather…which we were not really expecting.  As bed time neared the storms seemed to grow with intensity and so did the emotions.  The lightening was out of control, the thunder was making the house shake and the hail was just pounding on the windows.  The older boys began to panic and they had so many questions.  It has been a long while since they have had those feelings of panic and the what ifs.  Rob and I assured them over and over that they would be safe, Jesus is always protecting them and they are loved.  We showed them the radar and that the storm was starting to move away from us.  Then that awful sound that only comes from lightening striking something came.  Robbie just lost it.  I held him tight as he cried and until he calmed down.  Robert was doing the same with the other two older boys and Judah just slept right through it all…exactly what he did the night of the house fire. Finally the boys were able to settle down and go to bed.  Then came the next round of storms at 4 am which woke them up. Robbie laid in his bed with blankets over his head and Joseph dreamed of monsters.

This morning I made the choice to let them stay home and sleep in.  A no sleep hangover is the worst and I knew they just needed a minute to reset.  I hate this.  I hate the fear, the anxiety, the setbacks, the unknown and the fact that my kids have had to go through all of this.  It just sucks.  I hate that I have no control and I hate that our family knows all to well the meaning of the saying, “life can change in an instant.”  This time of year is just hard for us.  Next month it will be 7 years since my aunt (the girls’ Mom) was tragically taken from us and 2 years since we lost our home.  Yes we grow and move on.  We learned to stuff our feelings in our pocket.  But just because time goes on that does not mean we are OK.  It does not mean that some days are not going to be hard.  We do are very best every single day to be positive, to see the silver linings and to be thankful for all that we have been given.  We do believe our God takes care of us, protects us and sets up for success.  But dang it sometimes our days are just hard and so defeating.  The good news is those days pass and there are more good days than bad.

Trauma is real and it comes in all forms. All we can do is take one day at a time and cut ourselves some slack on those bad days.  Allow ourselves to feel and go through the process because we know it will pass and we grow stronger everyday.  Sometimes others do not understand and that makes things harder.  We have experienced tragic death, the loss of a home, the loss of safety, a miscarriage, a child sitting in a hospital clinging on to life, a child with heart issues, a husband with a brain tumor that by the grace of God disappeared but still suffers daily from the affects of it, watching a family member suffer with dementia, rebuilding a life and starting over, depression, anxiety and the list could go on.  But we have those experiences so when someone crosses our paths who need a little understanding we are there.  We understand and we know how to listen. We have been given the gift of compassion and empathy.  Never be afraid to own your story and to share it.

I have learned through all of our experiences that is OK to ask for help and just because we need help does not mean we are failing.  Every child is different.  They learn differently, grow differently, react differently, love differently and all express themselves and their emotions differently.  So when those hard days in parenting or just life sneak up on you do your best to cut yourself some slack.  Take a moment to just feel, be present in your emotions and really think to yourself “what do I need right now.”  And if you come across someone that might be a little “off” do you best to cut them some slack because you never know what they are going through, have been through or what is currently sneaking up on them.