I finally ripped off the band-aide and wrote a blog for my daughter’s birthday a couple of days ago. If you missed that post you can catch up HERE. Writing has been hard for me lately. I have felt like my thoughts were just not something anyone would want to read about.
A few weeks ago I went on a girls trip to Mexico. I have not left my kids or my husband in probably 8 years. I was anxious and nervous but also excited. I
t was nice to get away and leave my problems behind for a few days. Since having kids I have not really gotten to enjoy my friends and my family the way I used to. I was sitting on the beach talking to my sister in law about our current status with our home that caught on fire and my feelings that went right along with it. She encouraged me to write about them. She told me people really do want to know what’s going on with you and they like reading things that pertain 
to real life and real feelings. When I returned home my husband told me to get back to writing too. So here I go…Thank you Robert and Aliya for giving me the nudge that I needed.
Walking away from a house that we have built a life in has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to go through. I know everyone made it out unharmed and all that we lost were just “things”. It just feels like we lost so much more. I have never really been a person to become depressed or to have negative thoughts but lately I have realized this situation has affected me more than I thought.
I find myself crying over silly little things and the night the house burned down plays in my head several times a day. I still smell the nasty smell and it still feels like it was just yesterday. The ongoing back and forth with our insurance has certainly not made any of this any easier. I hate that a home that was full of so much love and life is just sitting there decaying. I hate that my neighbors have to look out their windows or walk past it and wonder why it still sitting there like that. If I could rent a bulldozer and get rid of it I would.
In order for us to get the full benefit of our insurance policy we had to 
itemize the contents in our home. I cannot even begin to tell you how overwhelming that process is. We did hire a third party company to do this for us. I thought by doing so it would take a little stress off of Rob and I. I walked into the house while they were doing inventory one day and my eyes just filled with tears. Watching people sift through the ashes and put our entire life on an excel spreadsheet was the weirdest feeling. I felt like I was mourning a death. I know that sounds so silly to feel that way about things. But I look around that house and I see my kids birthdays, 
babies coming home from the hospital, arguments and misunderstandings, proms, Christmas’s and just everyday life and I just wonder if our life will ever be somewhat normal again.
In an effort to start over we found a rental house and we made the move to Texas. In Texas Rob can be close to his business and can be home so much more. I was actually excited for the rental house because I just wanted to be in a house living like a normal family again. We moved in to the house and let me tell you it felt good…until I realized we literally have nothing. We have a house that is only temporary, no furniture, no personality, nothing that reminds us of home. It feels like we live in a VRBO and we are just on some weird extended vacation. But we are not a vacation…there is no home to go back to.
I do like Texas. My kids love their school and they are really happy here. I know that if we were still in Bixby I would be having the same feelings. There is simply just no place like home. I long for the day where I can paint a wall if I want to. I want a kitchen again that I can bake or create whatever I want to. I want a sink with a garbage disposal, a microwave that doesn’t just cook on one side, and an oven that bakes my Grandmother’s cookies perfectly.
I want a home that reflects my family again. I have lost my self and I desperately want to find myself again. I have gained weight, my hair started falling out, I cry all of the time and I tell Robert almost every single night I just want to go home.
Joseph still comes and gets into our bed almost every single night and the other night he actually woke us up and asked us if our house was on fire. Benjamin asks us often where we will live if our current house burns down. And all of my kids are still terrified of little thunderstorms. These feelings and these questions will eventually go away I know. And things will be perfect again one day I know. I guess I just never really thought about this process and how it would take a toll on my family and I.
I have met a couple of really great people here in Texas. We did find a fantastic babysitter and Rob and I got to enjoy a much needed date night. 
We are starting to settle in here and are finding our favorite places to eat although Benjamin every once and a while will ask,”Why does Texas not have The Brook.” LOL. The Brook was our favorite place.
Despite all of my feelings, emotions and the everyday reminder of the house fire and our current situation I still do find good in every single day. I know that we will be ok and that I will find myself again and I will be much a stronger person with more understanding, compassion, gratefulness and love for my God that has taken care of us. I 
know that the rainbow at the end of this storm is going to be the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. I know my kids have gained so many things from this situation and they will be grow up with a story to tell and a heart full of understanding and a deeper love for the things that are the most important.
Everyday I listen to one song at least once. Shadow Step by Hillsong has really helped me on the day to day. If you have not heard it you should.
Shadow Step
Light up the way of Your heart
Move me like You do the mountains
Move me like You do the wind
And I’ll chase Your voice through the dark
Fix my eyes on the unexpected
In the wonder of Your shadow step
So take another step
You met me at the sinners table
I found You waiting by the well, unexpected
You are always there
Tracing all my steps
Light up the way of Your heart
Move me like You do the mountains
Move me like You do the wind
And I’ll chase Your voice through the dark
Fix my eyes on the unexpected
In the wonder of Your shadow step
So take another step
You never left the lost forsaken
Your mercy paves the road ahead, unexpected
You are always good
You are always good
Light up the way of Your heart
Move me like You do the mountains
Move me like You do the wind
And I’ll chase Your voice through the dark
Fix my eyes on the unexpected
In the wonder of Your shadow step
And I won’t be afraid
In every way, You never fail
So have Your way, here God
And I’ll sing Your praise
Fix my heart to Yours
Ready for the unexpected
Ready for what You will do next
I can’t explain Your heart
Or dare to trace-out all You are
But when I think about the road You took for love
I know Your grace will stay the path
Light up the way of Your heart
Move me like You do the mountains
Move me like You do the wind
And I’ll chase Your voice through the dark
Fix my eyes on the unexpected
In the wonder of Your shadow step
And I won’t be afraid
In every way, You never fail
So have Your way, here God
And I’ll sing Your praise
Fix my heart to Yours
Ready for the unexpected
Ready for what You will do next
So take another step
And yes…I am sitting at my computer with tears running down my face because it felt so good write again. It felt good to finally put my feelings out there.
My family will overcome just like we always do and we will continue to 
dance in the rain. We will continue to on this journey with open hearts and open minds and we will be ready for the unexpected,we will not be afraid and we are ready to take another step.
