Home For The Holidays

The holidays certainly have a different meaning for us this year. If you are a returning reader then you are up to speed. If you are new to Weinerville, WELCOME! Our family has been through a lot this last year and a half and you can catch up here.

This time last year I was declaring that we were skipping Christmas (you can catch up on that here). I just could not get myself into the “spirit”. I kept begging my husband to book a trip to Mexico or on a cruise that would take us anywhere just to escape our reality. The reality was that we did not have anything in our life that was permanent. We were living in a temporary home until our life sorted out. So why pour any of our energy into decorating or making this temporary situation feel like home? I know now that all of that was coming from a place of depression, anger, frustration and sadness that I could not provide my kids with a Christmas like we had in our old home. I am not talking about the gifts, I am talking about Benja’s stocking the sweet little old ladies made him the hospital, putting the ornaments on the tree that the kids had made, pulling out the girls ornaments they had with their Mom, bringing out our Elf Batman, hosting our annual family Christmas party, putting up our trees and pretending for the holiday season that we were living in a winter wonderland. I was drowning and I was taking my kids and Christmas down with me. As I am sitting here writing all of those feelings come right back and it actually makes me cry.

Last year out of the blue my mother in law called me. She told me, “we have decided the Hargrave’s are celebrating Thanksgiving at your house this year.” I was stunned. In a matter of hours every family member near and far were on board and I was about to have a house full of people. That moment ignited a small fire inside of me. LOL fire. As I sat in the kitchen writing out my menu and my grocery list I looked around at the sad house we were living in. I yelled for the kids and told them to get their coats on we were going to buy a tree and some decorations. Yes I know Christmas decorations at Thanksgiving seem ridiculous to some but we needed some holiday cheer. Somehow in that moment all of the bad feelings and thoughts went away. All we had was excitement…well except for my husband because well, you know how men feel about Christmas decorations. They loathe climbing in the attic and dragging that tree out, getting covered in glitter and arranging things in the living room 400 times until we are satisfied. Funny though the 2 bins that we stored our decorations in from last year were a bit schizophrenic. As I looked through the bins this year I actually said out loud, “I was clearly in a state of distress last year because the decorations are just awful.” Honestly I did not remember a single thing that I had purchased. A trip to Hobby Lobby was in order this year for sure! So Judah and I hopped in the car and away we went.

This year we were SO EXCITED to host our entire family for the holidays. I have been so excited my OCD has been on overdrive and I have been decorating and planning like a crazy person. I wanted this year to be perfection! New traditions, new memories, quality family time and just all of the feels.

Every night we eat dinner as a family and every night we do “what was the best part of your day.” We started doing this because some days were just so hard and even though it seemed so terrible (mainly to Robert and I) we were able to acknowledge and celebrate even the small things that made our day good. We now look forward to this and the boys actually start this conversation on their own every night.

But the other night at dinner I got a pen and a piece of paper out and asked the kids what their favorite things about Christmas were before the fire? The kids input was important to me this year. I wanted to make sure that some of the traditions that we had in our old house carried over to our new house. That conversation led to, how did you feel after the fire, are you still scared or sad sometimes, what could Mommy and Daddy have done differently? They all kind of looked at me like I was crazy. Robbie finally replied,” I wish you guys would have told us more about what was happening right after the fire.” I kept asking questions and finally Robert stopped me. He looked at me from across the table with nothing but love and said to me,”they don’t remember, they are kids. You are the one that still has the anxiety, the sadness, the fear and all of the emotions.” As he talked to me tears just started streaming down my face. He was right. Even with all of the good and the steps in the right direction I was still silently suffering.

The kids of course just looked at me and really had no idea what to say or think. Joseph finally asked why I was crying. I could not even answer because I was so overwhelmed in that moment. Robert said, “boys, do you know who Mother Hen is?” To which they all replied with a laugh “no”. Rob said, “OK well your Mom loves you so much that she has done everything in her power to shield you since the house fire. She has worked tirelessly to make sure you are happy, that you do not know when bad things are happening, that you don’t feel scared and that you feel like you are taken care of and you have a place that is home.” He was right. He called me out and the truth is I had no idea I had all of these feelings inside of me. I had no idea I was doing some of the things I was doing. He got up and walked around the table and gave me a big hug and I just broke down. The boys of course just stared and I know they really don’t understand, but what I am proud of is that they see their Dad and I standing together. They see the good, the bad and the ugly. Relationships are not perfect, life is certainly not perfect or easy but they are watching us navigate it together and always standing by each others side.

Do you ever just close your eyes and wish you were home. Do you see your kids taking their first steps, that baby coming home from the hospital, your daughter all dressed up for her first dance, the fight you had with your husband in the kitchen, and sometimes you can even smell the cookies baking in the oven. I have had so many days where I just want to be home. When I would close my eyes and think of home I would think of all of those things I mentioned and all I see are those memories in a raging fire. I just want to close my eyes and see our new home.

Since moving into our new permanent home I have obsessed about making this home a representation of us. And I say obsessed because every single day I am looking at chandeliers, bed spreads, paintings, pinning things on Pinterest and driving my husband absolutely insane with all of the creative things going on in my head. But he understands and he goes along with it….because he knows this is my healing process. He also keeps his mouth shut when he gets that credit card statement or comes home to a front porch covered in boxes of things he knows he will have to put together. Well, sometimes a four letter word slips out of his mouth but a smile usually follows…usually LOL. He tells me almost every single day,”I want you to enjoy your new house and make it exactly the you want.” I deeply appreciate all of that from him.

I know some of you may be saying to yourself, “its just things and you don’t need things to make you happy.” That is true but whether you live a minimalist life style, live in a box or a mansion, your space represents you and your family. Your space brings you joy and feelings of comfort that you really did not know existed until its taken from you. I can honestly say that when I close my eyes now our new home is starting to make and appearance. I see my kids playing in the back yard, swimming, riding their bikes, sitting at the dinner table and so many other things. That home engulfed in flames is slowly taking a backseat.

So this year our house is very prematurely decorated for Christmas. My kids have toys on their lists rather than necessities like pants, hoodies and shoes. For me as mom it warms my heart to know that my kids feel that their needs are being met. We have feelings of being blessed and taken care of and comfort that we are right where we are supposed to be. God had a plan for us this entire time, all we had to do was trust him and BELIEVE. That is so so hard sometimes.

This Thanksgiving we went BIG because we are HOME. I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, we had a packed table of heavy appetizers for lunch and probably the biggest dinner I have a ever cooked. I say “I” but I really mean we. We all pitched in. I pulled out recipes from my childhood that I honestly did not know if I could even make without looking at an actual recipe. We stood around my island each with a knife in our hand chopping, laughing and telling stories. We worked as unified team and honestly isn’t that how it is supposed to be. I served food in dishes that I inherited from our grandmothers and we were just living in the moment. A truly magical moment. A day that will come back to me when I close my eyes and think of home.

Since the day we moved in I have had a vision of the perfect dinner right under the stars in our very own backyard. My wish came true. The weather was perfect, the table was beautiful, the dinner was delicious and the company was remarkable. There was not one single moment that I was sad about our past. Thankful, blessed and excited or the future is what I felt and I am pretty sure that was the same for everyone else too.

This season in our life is a big one. New beginnings, new adventures, big accomplishments and so much more. I think I forgot to mention that our Princess Kaylee will be GRADUATING from the University of Oklahoma on December 15th. In the midst of the storm somehow she has managed to make it through college AND secure a full time job following graduation. Thankfully by the grace of God Robert and I somehow managed to not mess things up for her LOL.

This holiday season I encourage you to make the little things count. I encourage you to also do the little things for your families and for others. The holidays are not as joyous for some but with a little patience, understanding and kindness you can bring a little joy to someone who really might need it. Our family is so grateful for where we have landed and we have so much appreciation for what we have, for the unbreakable bond of our family and the overwhelming love we have for each other. We know not everyday will be easy and I can tell you our past will probably always live in the back of our minds, but we know we will always be taken care of and that God always has a plan and there is so much good in every single day. You guys! The Hargrave’s are HOME for the Holidays!